things i hate about myself

How obsessed I am with my handwriting being perfect in the journal that only I will ever read

How even though I love how dark my hair is, I will still get highlights this summer because when I’m blonde, strangers are nicer to me

That I care about how strangers treat me

How every time I’m in a plane and it starts shaking, I think every moment is my last. That I can’t believe the jello theory, no matter how many times I read it

The resent I feel for people who grew up without having to worry about money

How I think about how many of my peers have been given advantages I haven’t

How little time I spend thinking about my own advantages

That my instinct isn’t to eat however much I’m hungry for, it’s to finish my plate

How when I’m getting dressed, I don’t think what will make me feel best but what will make me look cool

How I end up hating most of my clothes

How much of the underground man’s internal monologue sounded like my own

The mental games I have to play with myself to loosen the claw of perfectionism and be able to write

How much I hurt when people don’t read my writing

How much it makes me doubt that maybe this thing isn’t for me, even though it brings me the closest to the sky that I’ve ever been

How when people bump into me, my first instinct is to make sure they’re okay

That when people are rude or cold to me, my first thought is sometimes still how can I win them over and not what a loser

How even when I know someone is taking advantage of me, I still let them

How I am just now starting to be believe I am a good person

How, when a girl came up to me during welcome week of college while I was admiring drawings plastered to the outside of a building and said: you’re an artist, aren't you? I can tell. I said, with fright: no, no. God, no. You must have me mistaken

How I spent 15 years scared of my own reflection

How intensely I feel every cut and every smile

How obsessive I am

How loving

How trusting

How much I am dying to know what you think

How everything I hate most about myself is tangled up in everything I love best